Rodney (Buddy) Allen Chavera

Hey i just need your guidance right now everything is going down hill like Michelle said i am at an all time saddness right now for the things going on. I am unsure of what to do. I feel like there is no great solution to the problems. No matter what I do people will be hurt. I am trying to figure out which road to take. I wish you were here. It would all be different if you were. I know what my heart says to do but there are so many things and questions that just have no easy solutions. God I need your help!!! I feel like things will never be normal again. And thats what we all need. I know that this family is not perfect but we are a family in every sense of the word. We stick when we need to stick and fight if needed. I don't know why its so hard to just do what we need to do but I am ready for the fight now. With your guidance I know that its a battle that I can win. I know that you would want me to. I am trying so hard to be strong like you always told me to but I just find myself crying like a baby. Losing you is one of the most tragic things that I have ever had to face. I guess that i always thought that you would be here to help us through anything. I mean you were always the strong one. I was the baby always crying to you and now who do I have. I am not strong I never was. But I feel like when you died you put something in me to fight and be strong for this family. I kinda feel like you said now Tina its you who has to hold it together. And that day I seen your beautiful face for the last time I crumbled and have not done a good job of being strong but I am ready now for the fight and I will win. So just hold my hand and help me with the long road ahead I will get her and then when she is safe with me I hope you will shine on us and help us to make it. I just cant understand why its taken me this long to see the light but I see it now and I will do what needs to be done and what I should of done along time ago so like I said hold my  hand and give me the strenght that I will need to keep her safe and give her what she deserves. I love you and I miss you. Thanks for the help because when I sat down here I was completely at a loss of what to do but you have some how managed to help me figure it out like you were here. Maybe you are watching I just need to come to you with it to get the answers. Thank you dear brother.

   I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

Buddy,                                            January 25,2005

I don't know what has happened here lately. It seem's like since you died everything has went down hill from there and it keep's going down hill faster and faster. I don't understand how people can go on so easily with there live's and act like nothing has ever happened. I am still stunned from the whole thing. I keep telling myself it's all just a bad dream and I am going to wake up from someday. I have so much anger inside me. Tina keep's telling me just don't stoop down to there level we are better than that but like I told her sometime's you have to get dirty with the rest of them. Dad is really bad and I am so scared he is going to die. I keep begging him to go to the doctor but you know how that goes. I went to the website they made up for you and wrote them all alittle note. I will probably get called everything in the book but you know what I don't care they can call me a bitch cause I can live up to that title. I will die being a bitch. I love Chris and Lexi with all my heart and I hope well for them. I know you have to be up there keeping them safe but just keep doing the job cause your doing it well so far. I know there is only so much you can do but just do as much as you and the big man can. I love you and miss you a bunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh yeah I got a tattoo for you I am sure you know what it is!!!!!!!

BUDDY YOUR MOM AND SISTERS MISS YOU ALOT AND THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT LEXIS AND CHRIS THEY NEED GUIDENESS TO GET SAFELY THROUGH THIS LIFE.THEY ARE YOUNG AND NEED A CHANCE TO BE KIDS CHRIS TAKES ON THE ROLE AS LEXIS DAD SORT OF HE LOOKES OUT FOR HER ALL THE TIME AND HE DON'T GET TO BE A KID HIS SELF.I KNOW YOU LOVED BOTH OF THEM AND YOU WOULDN'T WANT THIS FOR THEM JUST KIND OF WATCH OUT FOR THE ONES THAT TRUELY LOVED YOU AND HELP THEM GRIVE A LITTLE LESS EACH DAY THAT GOES BY THEY WILL NEVER FOR GET BUT THE PAIN LESSENS AS TIME GOES BY LOOK DOWN ON THEM AND WE WILL LOOK UP AT THE STARS  LOVE AND MISS YA A LOT J.D.B.

BUDDY

I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT IS GOING ON BUT THEY REALLY PISS ME OFF . AND I KNOW IF YOU WERE ALIVE THEN THIS WOULDN'T BE GOING ON BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE THERE TO TAKE UP THE SLACK THEY MAKE WHERE THE KIDS ARE CONCERNED. YOU WOULD CHOKE HER TO DEATH IF YOU SEEN HALF THE SHIT SHE HAS DONE, OR WHERE SHE HAS HAD YOUR KIDS. I HOPE YOU AND THE GOOD LORD ARE WATCHING THEM BECAUSE THEY NEED YOU FOR SURE NOW. IT WILL BE BACK TO THE SAME OLD YOUR NOT  GONNA SEE THE KIDS ANYMORE. SO PUT YOUR HANDS ON THEM NOW AND KEEP THEM SAFE

I WANT YOU TO COME BACK I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT WAS CHRISTMAS LAST MONTH AUNT MICHELLE GOT ME A BIKE I LOVE IT SO MUCH I RIDE IT ALL THE TIME MY BIRTHDAY IS ON FEBRUARY SIXTH I WISH YOU WERE HERE. I HOPE YOU ARE FINE I HOPE YOU WILL WATCH ME OPEN ALL MY PRESENTS. I LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU WOULD LOVE ON ME IN MY DREAMS. JT LOST HIS FRONT TOOTH. AND HE LOVES YOU TO. GOODNIGHT I LOVE YOU!!

Buddy,

I just want to say that I am missing you so much! I just wish you could be back here on earth with us. I think you and Dawn made uch a good couple. I get so upset when I come on here and read lie's that other people has put on here. No name's mentioned but I am sure they know who they are. I look at the star's sometime's and wonder if there really is a heaven and what it look's like and how much fun all you guy's are having. Well I guess I know there is a heaven because your there. Samantha try to act like a god mother to the kid's but the key word is act's. Buddy if you were still here I know you would choke her to death some of the shit she does and how those kiid's are. You would think she would want to be a better mother for her kid's but I guess not. You were a great big brother and we had alot of long talk's not only about you but about me and you would alway's make me feel better. I am gonna come see you again soon. When I go to the graveyard I feel so empty hearted when I leave there and have to leave you behind. I feel like it's so wrong because I feel like your going to get cold and we all know you were scared of the dark (lol). I just want to see you one last time to tell you I am so sorry for never coming to visit you. I read what Dawn's been writing on here and it make's me cry so hard and what mom write's. The one about the farm was so funny. I was laughing and crying all at the same time. Well i am gonna go for now but I will see you again real soon. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!!!! P.S. My kid's are alway's asking about you especially Abby so just give them all a kiss and a hug to let them know your still there.

01/17/07

I still find myself coming here so often...tonight Christina (Danny & Christina) came over for dinner and drinks.  We talked about so much, as usual...but tonight we talked alot about the good old days.  Dawn & Buddy and Danny & Christina...for a long time it was the four of us...we did everything together...from you and Danny golfing weekly(or so we thought), me and Christina exercising daily...our wild partying on the weekends...it was always the four of us...from having a good time, to picking each other up when things got rough.  We talked about that New Years when you started a fight with some guy who asked me for a cigarette and poor Danny was the one who ended up in jail that night...for jumping in to help you...and we talked about that night I came to pick you up from some guys house and we got into a fight because some chick was telling me about you flirting with some other chick...you ended up getting into it with her boyfiend...he broke a beer bottle over your head and that was it for me...didn't matter that I was pissed at you...as soon as I saw blood I was all over that guy...not that you didn't have it under control but I grabbed a beer bottle of my own and slammed it over the guys head ... how dare he interrupt my fight with you LOL...just kidding. No, it didn't matter how mad I was at you or what we were fighting about...it was between you and I...let someone else step in and they were in trouble...from both you and I. I speak for all of us when I say we all miss you...even though everyone cannot write in yet...they miss you all the same.  I know things will be okay...I have faith...I really really do...I am trying really hard to stay strong ...

hey bud i just want to share a memorie that i had the other day I will never forget the day that you and I and Dawn went shopping in Chicago for my school clothes and you were so mad that I had bought a belt (with your money) for $25 and I thought that you were gonna flip out. I was shopping the other day and saw a belt like that and it reminded me of that. I have so many memories of you that I could never begin to put them all on here. You were always there for me. I also just remembered the BEAST. That nasty grey beater truck you had. I was always so embarassed of that thing and you just thought that it was so funny watching me die of embarassement in it. You loved things like that but now that your gone I would give anything to have just one more ride in it with you. I would let you drive me anywhere now. God I miss you so much. I feel like I am gonna forget your smile or laugh sometime and I would hate that because you had such a beautiful and loving smile. I just want LEX to always remember it. She is getting so big and she wants to have her birthday party at KREPS pool where you took her that one year. Of course we will have it there for her. She is the princess. She was your Sugar booga and now she is our Sugar Booga. We try to watch her as much as we can. She is growing up so fast and I hope that she will always remember you. I am just so glad that Julian is so protective of her as if you made sure of it when you left. I remember when all they did was hit each other then all of a sudden like you were telling him to he just got so concerned for her and its been that way ever since. They call each other brother and sister. I am proud of him. Remember when we went to Pegs and he was sick and puked all over and then you and Lex threw up. That was so funny and you said you were never going any  where with him again. Those things help me to always remember you. I love you and miss you more than anything.

XOXOXOXOOXOX. Love ya.

Hey big brother I miss you alot and I wish you were here with us still. I am so lost without you here. Dad is getting really sick and I wish you guide him in the right direction. I want you to be there to hold his hand. I know in my heart if he doesn't go to the doctor he is going to die and I don't want him to die he is the only father I have. I cry because he is in pain and suffering alot and he won't do anything to help himself. Buddy please just watch over him and make sure he is alright. I don't want him to go. We all have been through alot so  I wish the big guy upstair's would let us have a break. I don't know how much more we can take of him taking from us all of our loved ones. Well I Love You Alot Big Brother. I Miss You Alot too.

Wow...Bud I read what your mom wrote...and having read some of the other postings that have since been deleted...it makes me sit back and wonder even more why we did the things we did. I kept holding out and standing my ground saying you had to pull it together before we could get back together...but when I think about it...it was partially my job...my responsibility to help you pull it together...and because of my pride and all the hurt that I felt I couldn't do that.  I will never be able to tell you nor will anyone ever know how deeply sorry I am ... or how deeply all of this has affected me. You loved me to the day that you died...WE loved each other till the day you died...did you go down the road that you did because of the pain that you felt?  I am so lost without you. You know...part of me sometimes sits back and says that I have grown from my experiences...and looks at it like I am so lucky to have had a love like ours and to have known someone like you.  Then another part of me looks at it like this has hindered me for the rest of my life...I will always blame myself and wonder what if...

BUDDY I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD PUT THIS PICTURE OF YOU AND LEXI ON HERE BECAUSE I REMEMBER THE DAY IT WAS TAKEN AND YOU WERE VERY HAPPY HOW YOU LOVE THAT LITTLE GIRL SHE MISSES YOU SO MUCH IHOPE THAT SOME DAY SHE CAN UNDERSTAND ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SHE REALLY WANTS ME TO LIKE HER MOM BUT THAT IS SO HARD TO DO SHE NEVER QUITS LYING AND SHE IS JUSTGETTING DEEPER INTO DRUGS . I'M NOT SURE THAT SHE EVEN WANTS TO GET HELP I HAVE TOLD HER TIME AND AGAIN SHE NEEDS TO GET SOME HELP. SHE ALWAYS TELLS ME THE SAME THING I'VE JUST GOT A PROBLEM WITH PILLS BUT I KNOW BETTER. TINA TOOK THE KIDS BIKE UP TO THEM I HOPE THAT THEY CAN RIDE THEM SAFE. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND WHEN I DREAM ABOUT YOU I AM SO RELAXED IN MY SLEEP IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO DREAM OF YOU.

BUDDY I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD TRY TO SHARE A COUPLE OF GOOD MEMORIES. I HAVE SO MANY I'M NOT SURE WHICH ONE TO START WITH.I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE TIME WE ALL WENT TO VIRGINIA BEACH, WE ALL HAD SO MUCH FUN BUBBY REALLY LOOKED UP TO YOU AND NOW HE IS SO LOST WITHOUTYOU ACTUALLY WE ALL ARE. BUT YOU TWO WENT TO GOLF AND YOU ALMOST GOT ARRESTED RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL BECAUSE A BICYCLE COP WAS RIGHT BESIDE YOU WHEN YOU OPENED A BEER, AND THEN WE ALL WENT TO THAT RESTAURANT TO EAT AND WE PAYEDFOR A BUFFET SEA FOOD DINNER AND ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS A BID FISH BONE ON A PLATE AND A FEW FISH STICKS , YOU WERE SO MAD IT WAS REALLY FUNNY THEN WE WENT THE NEXT NIGHT TO AN ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETAND WE SURE FILLED UP THERE. I WAS LAUGHING AT DAWN BECAUSE SHE WAS REALLY INTO THE CRAB LEGS BUTTER AND ALL AND I ORERED A POP AND YOU TOLD THE LADY I WAS A HILLBILLY THAT I WANTED A SODA,THEN WE WALKED BACK DOWN TOWARD THE HOTEL AND THEY HAD A LIVE BAND PLAYING AND I TOLD YOU THAT I WAS GOING TO GET UP AND DANCE AND GET CRAZY, YOU SAID OH I SEE YOU ARE TRYING TO EMBARESS ME SO YOU JUMPED UP AND STARTED DANCING AND ACTING CRAZY I TOLD YOU OK SIT DOWN YOU HAD WON. WE ALL HAD A GOOD TIME I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT TRIP. I THINK YOU TRULEY ENJOYED THE BEACH LIFE AND YOUR LOVE FOR DAWN MADE IT EVEN MORE SPECIAL I AM SO THANKFUL THAT YOU FOUND HER THAT YOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THE WORLD A LITTLE AND ENJOY LIFE AS YOU KNEW IT WITH DAWN. SHE WAS YOUR SOUL MATE. I LOVE YOU AS WE ALL DO AND WE WERE TRULRY BLESSED TO HAVE HAD YOU IN OUR LIVES.

Well what a year I am so glad that its over. I slept through the ball drop but I am awake now and maybe I'll make it through Illinois new year. Anyway I seem to be thinking of you alot here lately. I know that its because I am need of your advice and your not here I know that you will see me through here or not. Well anyway let me be the first to say Happy New Year and I hope that this one goes alot smoother than the past few. We need a break. I love you so much dear brother and I hope to see ya soon in my dreams. I wish you could some how reassure me everything will be ok. Watch Lexi and Chris they need it. Keep them safe and help us to remind them of you often. My New Years wish is to be more forgiving so help me with that if you can. Love Ya Big Brother.

 

Buddy,

I thought I would sit down and write you a letter. Mom invited Samantha up to her house so she could be with the kid's on Christmas Day when they opened all there present's from us. It was a hard couple of hour's for me but I managed to keep my thought's and opinion's to myself but I wanted to tell her what was on my mind. I keep the peace that day for the kid's sake. I hope you where watching from up there in heaven. Please be by Aunt Nette's side while she goes through all this crap. Hold her hand and keep her safe. I know she is so scared. I miss you so much. I love you.

Well its Christmas and here we are still with that hole in our hearts.  We had the usual and Michelle probably did try to eat your share since she went to the Felton's and ate here. Ha Ha. Lexi and Chris were so excited and you would of loved it when she got her bike but I am sure that you were watching us today. I did feel you today though and I hope that we made you proud. Thanks for everything. Chris woke up this morning about 3am when I got home from work and seen his bike early when mom told him to open it up he said no I'll wait until morning. It was so funny. Cedric wanted to light a Manura(i am not sure thats how you spell it but you understand you were dyslexix) anyway Peg told him they weren't Jewish and he said well I want to spin the drediel. Peg was laughing so hard. He then asked Bill Forristall when were they gonna celebrate Kwanza!! Julian was so excited and your twin Mason loved it and tried to open Addisons presents after all his were opened. Anyway I miss you and Love you and especially today. I love you so much and I really miss you.  You three have a Merry Christmas together.

Buddy,

I was just sitting down here thinking about you and how much I miss you. I have been thinking about you alot lately it is so hard being here without you. I got your baby girl a new bike for christmas. She was so happy. I just wish you could have been here with them. I went up to your grave the other day me,mom,bubby,stacy,and all the kids. I put some flowers on your grave i hope you liked them. Well i am gonna go eat I will eat your share of food for you but then again I don't think n e one can eat that much except you. I love you and miss you very much.

I am sitting up, it is Christmas Eve. I have just finished putting out all of the kids toys and thinking of you, your family and your children.  I wonder how things would have been had we worked things out...not just for us...but for our children and our families.  I have so many fond memories of Christmas with us...First one that comes to mind is the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree!  I remember when your grandfather was being stubborn...or just trying to give me a hard time...not sure which lol...but he kept insisting that he was not getting a Christmas Tree and I made you and Bubby go out and cut this little tree down off the farm...me and Michelle went into town and bought all sorts of decorations ... that tree was pitiful LOL...but we had so much fun...all of us...laughing cutting it down...decorating and trying to make this tree look as awesome as we possibly could.  You all thought I was just plain crazy.  I think back to that Christmas that we spent in WVA...and I came down Christmas morning all decked out in my silly Christmas gear...Christmas sweater, socks with bells on them...the whole silly get up...and how you all laughed and laughed...I remember how you loved to surprise me with jewlery each year...and the year you had hidden a gold bracelet so good that you couldn't even find it...I think it was like 3 days later before we found it. But the best part was how each year...I was able to really surprise you ... you never knew how hard I listened and made sure that you got something that I knew you had really wanted ... but you never thought you would get or that I would get it for you...The best was the rims for your truck...the look on your face...I still have pictures of that!  It was the best. Well I thought I would write in since I was up and thinking of you and yours...Merry Christmas

 BUDDY WE LOVE YOU AND PLEASE LOOK DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY AS THEY GO THRU THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT YOU. YOU ARE DEARLY MISSED AND LOVED. PLEASE WATCH OVER YOUR MOM AS SHE TRIES SO HARD TO ALWAYS MAKE THINGS RIGHT. HOPEFULLY YOU  & JERIMY AND MOM AND GRANDMA& GRANDPA , AND EVERYONE ELSE IN OUR FAMILY ARE HAVING A FEAST IN HEAVEN ON CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AND LOOKING DOWN ON US AS WE MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH! . WE LOVE  YOU! AND MISS YOUR SMILING FACE! BUT I KNOW YOU ARE SMILING THERE TOO!

CHRISTMAS IS FAST APPROACHING AND I JUST CAN'T FIND THE SPIRT I HAVE ALWAYS HAD, ITS LOST IN ME SOME WHERE. I MISS YOU AND MOM SO MUCH I HOPE THAT YOU AND JEREMY ARE WITH BESIDE A NICE WARM FIRE SIPPING CHOCALATE (COFFEE)FOR MOM AND JUST WATCHING OVER ALL OF US WE SO NEED SOME PEACE AND HARMONEY IN OUR LIFE. ITS MEANT TO BE A LOVING PEACEFUL TIME OF YEAR AND ITS SO CRAZY ANYMORE. ANYWAY I LOVE YOU AND I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU .LOVE MOM

At this time of year, and what I am currently going through makes me think of Love...True Love is unselfish ... Bud you knew how to truly love.  I think this is why so many people loved you so much.  You gave everything of yourself to anyone and everyone. Always worried about everyone else...wanting to make sure they were all taken care of and wanting them to be happy. You never worried about yourself.  You were one of those people that would stop for any stranger in need...you would drive half way accross the country to help someone you loved...we know this ... we have all seen you do it many a time. I love to remember you for who you were ... that beautiful person who lit up and touched so many lives ... now you have children whom are to be cherished...and need to be shown and taught that same love that you showed everyone else...I pray for them!

On another note...I just had a thought that came into my mind...Christmas...and how you used to laugh and tease me over how silly I would get at this time of year...We all miss you so much...love always Dawn

BUDDY LOOK OUT FOR US ALL BECAUSE THINGS ARE REALLY BAD HERE. I LOVE YOU AND I WENT TO TALK TO YESTERDAY. I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON LOVE MOM

Hey Buddy,

I was just up thinking about you and Jeremy and Mom and Granny Phillips, and I hope you are all together up there looking down on all of us.   We all miss you all so much, and we should feel blessed that you all got to be on this earth with us for a time.   I remember so many fun times we had in the past, especially when we were younger.  I remember when me and Peggy were in love with the neighbor boy in Mendota "Matt Walter"...yes, I remember his name...and we had you pretend to be his freind so you could snoop in his life and get to know his business so you could report back to us... we were crazy, but those were fun days.  I remember once me and you and Dawn and Peggy and Tammy and all of us went out to the bowling alley in Lasalle and after we were all liquored up, we were all trying to go to sleep and me and Dawn stayed up and talked for a long time.  She really loved you Bud, and I really thought she was so good for you.   I remember when we were all kids, I used to tell you that you should go to Hollywood and become a stand up comedian...you were so funny, you always made everyone laugh.   Your family are all so lost without you, but I am proud that they are all holding up as good as they are.   You certainly are missed and loved by all.   Keep your eye on us down here, watch over your family.   Tell my mom and Granny and Jeremy hello..     From time to time, I listen to a little Bob Marley myself and have a few beers.... and I think of you...  Love ya Bud

i was sitting here tonight and thought i would write this down so i can share it with you and lexi some day when she is older and she laugh about it. she has been here for 6 days and she is driving me crazy but that is her goal in life. any way she got her spanking last night the first one from me in a looooong time and it was my last resort but then i had to spack hind end 4 times and she started crying i want my mom.so when i went to bed she was till crying and she told me i just like to spank her and i tried to tell her i don't like to spank her that i love her and she kept saying yes you do you like to spank me. i was laughing at her and she got real mad. i told her i was sorry and i loved her,she has been talking alot about going to heaven to see you, her and julian were playing like they died and they were going to heaven to see you. i told her taht she couldn't die yet she said yes i can so i can se my daddy ,i told her she wouod see you some day and that you wouldn't want her to die till she is and old lady and she gets married and has kidsand she told me but i miss him so much and i told her to just close her eyes and think of you and she would remember how much you loved her, and to say her prayers every night so she could see you again someday. buddy its so hard sometimes to have to explain things to her she is so sad and she don't really understand why jesus won't let you come see her sometimes.maybe i tolsd her the wrong thing about you being in heaven helping jesus build houses becsuse she thinks your just a breath away and you should be ablee to see her. but i'm like her i miss you so much i hurt with the pain. merl is dying and i am scared to face that part when it happens . where will i go and what will i do . i am going crazy with greif moms anniversery is soon and thats driving me crazy. ask god to touch me and show me the way to do this life i have left. i love you son and i will see you someday i hope. love always mom