Rodney (Buddy) Allen Chavera

12/10/06

Last night I had dinner and drinks with Becky, Sonya and some of our old friends.  That was the first time I had really spent any time with them since we were all in WVA last year. It was so nice to get together and catch up...at first though every time a memory was brought up... or your name was mentioned everyone would drop silent ... lost in their own memory...it brought tears to my eyes.  But as the evening progressed we had such a good time...talking, drinking of course (lol), telling so many stories ... so many that I had even forgotten about some of them...all of us laughing so hard...it was really a wonderful evening...I just still wish you were here to share in the stories...you were always so good at making them sound like it was just yesterday and make them so funny with your own twist on it.

It is so good to think back to those days...we were so damn wild...all of us!  There was always some sort of drama going on in our group. Somebody always getting into trouble!  But what fun we all had!!!!!!!!! Me, You, Becky, Mike, Sonya, Donnie, Shannon, Micky, Kelly, Cliff,  Michelle, Angie, Larry, Paul, Tommy, Wes then later, Danny, Christina, Jeannie, Tommy...there were so many more that came and went in our group...anyway...I wanted to write in basically because I had had such a good evening remembering so much about "the good old days" ... we all miss you so much!

BUDDY

I AM SITTING HERE TONIGHT AND IT IS SO QUITE IN THE HOUSE FOR A CHANGE BUT OF COURSE ITS 3 IN THE MORNING.ANY WAY  WE TOOK THE KIDS TO THE PARADE LIKE WE DO EVERY YEAR AND YES IT WAS FREEZING, BUT THIS TIME IT WAS WORTH IT SANTA GAVE YOUR LITTLE GIRL THE BIKE SHE HAS BEEN WANTING SO MUCH.I STARTED CRYING BECUSE I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE WENT YOU WERE SO MAD BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T CALL OUR KIDS NAME UNTIL ALMOST LAST , AND THEN YOU SAID WE SHOULD HAVE JUST WENT TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND BOUGHT THEM SOMETHING INSTEAD OF FREEZING TO DEATH EVERY YEAR AND I COULD JUST HERE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT IT ALL AND THIS YEAR IT WAS SO WORTH THE WAIT AND THE COLD, JULIAN ALSO RECEIVED A NEW BIKE. SHE WILL BE SO HAPPY SHE WASN'T HERE TO GO TO THE PARDE BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LAST NIGHT UNTIL IT WAS TO LATE TO GO GET THEM BOTH SO WE JUST PICKED UP THERE PRESENT FOR THEM. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HER FACE WHEN SHE SEES THAT BIKE . CHRIS GOT A BASKET BALL GAME. WELL SON I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU ALWAYS MISS YOU DEARLY.

Buddy,                                              

Today was a hard day one of many that still yet to come. I was down in the dump's all day because I just thought about you and you not being here with us to celebrate Thanksgiving. All I could do is remember how you ate yourself into a stoop and then went to the closet chair and fell asleep. You would say I am not sleeping I was watching tv (lol). I miss you so much Buddy. I was thinking about you today just wanted to let you know that. Love you and miss you.

Buddy,                                                     November 21,2006

Hey big brother just thought I would write you a little letter. I just got out of the hospital yesterday I had to get surgery done on me. I was so scared but I know you was there holding my hand and made sure I was alright and got through it just fine. I can't say I feel better now cause I hurt really bad and I am in pain. I miss you so much words can not explain. I had to take my necklace off and I was so upset that was the first time I have taken it off. I love you and miss you.

Buddy

I am agreeing with Michelle Danielle does need you and grandma there tonight.  I too know that you are there because of the teddy bear.  She needs you and so does Bubby he is so scared. Mom needs you to and Dad was crying also. Michelle needs you to. I am trying to be strong for them but I am not you and you are who we need.  I just wish that you were here right now. Help them all get through this and tell GOD to ease up on us for awhile if you could.  They are all so scared but keep her in your arms tonight. She will be terrified but maybe you could help her (Danielle) get through this and give the Doctors what they need to help her. She has to get bettter she is so little and helpless.

Buddy,

I am coming here to write you and let you know what has happened. We got  a big scare today. Danielle had a seizure and it was a bad one scared us all to death. She is doing ok but she is in the hospital. I just don't know what to do I feel like I am going to hae a nervous break down. It seem's like everything is happening to this family and it seems like god is not giving us a break. I wish you were here with us to guide us and be there for us you always was the strong one in this family. It was way to weird they gave her a teddy bear and on the hat it said buddy holiday. i just thought to myself that must be a sign buddy is there watching over her and keeping her safe. Just be there for her buddy and keep her safe. Hold her hand and let her know you are there and make her not afraid. I love you big brother. watch over her and protect her from harm. 

BUDDY,

HERE I SIT AGAIN HOPING I CAN WRITE YOU A FEW THINGS, ALEXIS CALLED ME TH EOTHER DAY SINGING THAT SONG TIMES A WASTIN I SING IT TO HER AND MASON EVERYDAY AND ITS KINDA CUTE. I AM GOING TO TRY AND PICK UP THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND . SAMANTHHA SIT CHRIS DOWN THE OTHER DAY AND TOLD HIM THAT YOU WERE NOT HIS REAL DAD AND SHE TALKED TO HIM ABOUT PATRICK, SHE SAID SHE HAD TO BECAUSE THE KIDS NEXT DOOR WERE TELLING HIM THAT. BUT HE SAID HE DIDN'T CARE BECAUSE YOU WERE HIS DAD NO MATTER WHAT YOU REALLY MADE THAT KID LOVE YOU AND HE IS SO LOST WITHOUT YOU. PHILLIP AND JEFF DO THINGS WITH HIM BUT YOU KNOW NO ONE ELSE AROUND THERE WILL, JEFF TOOK HIM HUNTING FOR THE FIRST TIME HE KILLED TWO SQUIRRELS AND HE WAS SO PROUD. I SIT AND THINK OF SO MANY MEMORIES I COULLD WRITE ABOUT . BUT IT WILL TAKE ME SOME TIME TO GET IT DONE I LOVE YOU BUDDY AND I MISS YOU . I WILL SEE YOU SOON I HOPE. MOM

Buddy,

I know it has been awhile since I wrote you on here. I am still missing you so very much. I still just can't believe your gone. I don't even never want to do anything anymore. I just want to sit around my house. I don't even want to put up a christmas tree this I just feel like it is so wrong. I feel like everyone is going on without you and they make it look so easy. I think to myself how can they do that. I don't know I guess we all grieve differently. Tina and I was talking about you last night and I told her I just wish I could seen you that day you died, I wish I could have give you a hug and told you how much I really loved you. I just don't understand why god had to take you there are so many other people out there that he could have took. I wish now I wold have never let that BITCH Samantha come between us. Thats the main reason I never come to see you because I couldn't stand her and I never will not ever. I love Alexis and Chris and someday they will see the truth about there mother and how worthless she really is. You were the only one between you and her that really loved and cared about those kid's. Samantha used Alexis like a pawn over you and that was so wrong of her. When you were here it was all about Alexis now that your gone she could give a shit less about either one of them. Since you have been gone Buddy them kid's have not had much of anything including a christmas, easter, or a brithday. If it wasn't for us they wouldn't have anything. It just makes me so mad because god took you. Mom and dad and Tina and Bubby and Me are trying so hard to look after them both and make sure they are alright. I think my dad is going to die and I don't think I am prepared for that he won't go to the doctor to get help I just want to knock him in the head and drag him there myself. Just be there for him Buddy and make sure he alright. Look after him and love him and guide him in the right direction. I love you and miss you very much.

BUDDY;

I AM GOING TO TRY TO SIT HERE AND WRITE A FEW THINGS DOWN. ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME I ALWAYS START CRYING I GUESS I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH ITS UNBEARABLE, BUT MAYBE THIS WILL HELP ME. I READ THE MEMORY DAWN AND I SHARED TO MERL TODAY HE ASKED ME NOT TO CRY BECAUSE HE CAN'T TAKE IT. HE MISSES YOU SO MUCH TOO I KNOW YOU HAD YOUR DIFFERENCES BUT HE REALLY DID LOVE YOU AND HE CRYS TOO. WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU WERE WHEN YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM AS A KID YOU HAD TO STRIP OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES SO YOU WOULDN'T GET ANY ON YOU . AND HOW WHEN YOU WENT HUNTING YOU NEVER CAME HOME WITH POKETS IN YOUR PANTS BECAUSE YOU HAD TO CUT THEM OUT FOR YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST COULDN'T USE LEAVES.LOL I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT AWAITS YOU WHEN YOU DIE BUT I DO WANT TO SAY THIS IF AT ALL POSSIBLE WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR MERL TO PASS IF YOU CAN WILL YOU BE THERE FOR HIM. HE IS SO SICK AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO DIE BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO FOR HIM BUT I KNOW IF HE COULD SEE YOU ONE MORE TIME TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOU IT WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY. SO PLEASE IF YOU CAN BE THERE ONE MORE TIME . I KNOW YOU WILL BW THERE WHEN I COME IMSS YOU SO MUCH. I AM GOINGT TO TRY TO WORK OUT THE PROBLEMS WITH SAMANTHA OVER THE KIDS. SHE NEEDS TO BE THEIR MOTHER AND NOT SOME JUNKIE MOTHER LIKE SHE4 HAS BEEN I HOPE ICAN TAKE HOLD OF THE SITUATION AND HELP THEM . I WILL WRITE YOU AGAIN I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS SON. MOM 

I am sitting here talking to your mom on the phone and we are remembering so many memories...some good...some not so good....and some that are really great...she is having such a hard time...she is having a hard time writing her memories in...so I figured we could share a memory together on here...help her get a start on writing in.

 

Your mom is remembering our wedding reception...your mom says she has never felt so proud as she was of you that day. She says for doing what you should have done so long before...even though she felt that I was taking you away from her she was so happy.  She says she was so happy for the both of us... it was beautiful that day and so perfect...though the food really sucked LOL. Helen stood by her side while we were toasting and cutting the wedding cake and she says Helen felt like she was giving her own son away too.....Helen is having a really hard time with you being gone.  

Your mom thinks that we both looked so happy and so graceful....that we just looked like we fit perfectly together and that when I danced with my father her heart was so full it felt like it would burst with joy because I looked so beautiful. And you were so handsome and all grown up and she just knew that everything was going to be okay from there on out. Your mom just feels like that day was just so wonderful...and like my sister said..."it was about damn time!"  She is crying now and saying how she was so disappointed when things changed and we seperated.

 

Your mom is now remembering cookouts with you and Phillip fighting over the grill and who was going to cook...not that either one of you really wanted to cook... each of you just wanted to be able to in charge! She is laughing remembering you all pushing each other out of the way.  And how Phillip now says they can't have cookouts anymore ... that it just wouldn't be the same without you there.

 

Your mom is now remembering how you talked about all the days at the RIVA and how you always talked about being you and I out on the boat fishing, tubing and every weekend steaming and picking crabs.

 

She is now telling about some famous fights between you and Tina...something about you running your mouth (imagine that one) and Tina flying down the stairs and literally flying off the steps and attacking you but then you got her pinned to the floor...and something about some sort of hammer called the "Buddy Knocker".

 

And what is this about one night when you were jealous of the attention that your mom was giving Bubby and you stripped your pants and boxers off and went running up the street saying "it's all about Bubby...it's all about Bubby...I don't care anymore" and then came home and tried to climb into the dryer.  (Bud...why in the world would you do that? LOL)

 

We are talking now about how wide open you were...so full of life...how you lived and experienced more in your 30 years than most people do in a lifetime! 

 

And how those last few years were such good good times as a family and that maybe you were meant to come back to WVA so that you could share those last few years with your family and create such wonderful memories for them to hold onto.

 

Oh buddy where do I start, Ive been thinking alot about you jeremy and grandma latley, This all still seems like a bad dream and I just want to wake up and see that your all still here, but my heart knows diffrent,I miss you all so much, Im not normal anymore and i worry so much about your mom, please look out for her and guide her in the right directions when it comes to taking care of herself because you know she wont do it on her own, I bet I could write a book on all the heartach and pain this family has and still are suffering, anyway I just wanted you to know I didnt forget about you, not now not ever, I love and miss you very much.

                                                                  love aunt Danette

this is not really a memory...but i wanted to feel like I was writing to you...I am going through yet another change in my life and I find myself wanting to share it with you and wanting to talk to you so badly...I need your support...

I could always lean on you and count on you to help me through the changes in my life.  You could always make me look at the bright side and make me feel better. I sat the other day and listed to several of our songs and the one "beloved wife" by natalie merchant came on and I fell to pieces...

But that aside..I am struggling and I need you, I need you to help pick me up and pull myself back together!  I miss talking to you so much....regardless that our relationship didn't work...we were best friends...you were the one person I knew that I could turn to with ANYTHING and visa versa...that was so important! We loved each other unconditionally...that I know without a doubt...we had a love for each other that could let go and watch each other move on and still stay strong....that is not an everyday love...a love that was unselfish (well sometimes it was lol) but really...that we just wanted the other person to be happy regardless...WOW...to know that the both of us experienced that in our lifetime...not everyone can say that. It's funny...here I am 15 years after we met and over a year after you have passed ... and I still need to talk to you. i know you know what i am dealing with and going through...just be here in spirit for me ... and know that I am thinking of you.

 

Where to start i remember you when you was little and came out to my farm when your aunt Danette lived behind me in the little house.You and Jeremy was just as mischief as to little boy's could be. Trying to acted growd up messing with the horses going fishing at the bridge with my kids. You guy's was always looking for snakes ,crawlcrabs with big pinchers on them, minnows and small fish. It's a wonder you all didn't get snake bit running around in the woods . Then you grew up after you moved up on the farm i didn't see you that much. Then you moved away to ill. and then you got with Dawn .That was funny when you two got married i think everyone had a hang over that day .Even the church smelled like booze i never saw two people as happy as you two were that day . And everyone was happy for you! I wish you and Dawn had children they would have been beautful babys. But you are gone now .Safe in the arms of the angels up in heaven .You are missed a lot by all that knew you and loved you .And all we have now are memiores it was a real shockto hear that you was gone.But look down on your family and watch over them one an all.And we will look up at the stars andlook for you to....

I am going to write in blue because that how I feel everyday of my life since my brother is gone now. I sit and stare at this picture alot now these day's because this is the last Christmas all of us kid's spent together, us kid's meaning (Michelle,Peggy,Tina Bubby,and Buddy). I have to agree with Peggy I think my mom was really proud of us. Happy that we were all there. Look at us we all were so HAPPY..... Just don't seem that way anymore. I will never understand why God wanted to take Buddy it just seem's so unfair. He has two beautiful kid's here on earth that need him very much so..... He can rest a sure that we will see that they get what they need and take care of them.

Buddy,

I feel like this is a place where I can go to talk to you when I need to. I just can't seem to believe your really gone. I feel like it all is still just a big nightmare and we are all trying to get ourselve's woke up. I can't even go to morgantown without crying all the way there. Everyone has get together still and I keep telling Tina and Tim that it just don't feel right with you not being there. Everything just feel's so out of wack without you here with us. I know in my heart your in a much better place now. At least your away from everything that had your heart aching down here. When Lexi was born you were the happiest person on this earth and the proudest parent. You treated her like a QUEEN. She also had you wrapped around her little finger. You loved Chris the same way and alway's put them before everything else. We all love you Buddy and you are dearly missed i think i cry at least once a day. I will be thinking of you and please be watching over all of us. Rest In Peace Big Brother!!!!!!!

From the first time that we met you made me feel as if I was a part of your family. Peg and I had only been dating for about a month and yet you made me feel as if I was an old friend. I don't really have alot of memmories of you, but sitting around talking to our family I feel like I've known you forever. I just hope that when god takes me off this earth that everyone talks about me half as much as we all talk and laugh about you.So save me a seat and I'll see you later my good friend.

I REMEMBER THE DAY YOU GRADUATED FROM 8TH GRADE, TRACY WAS GRADUATING FROM 12TH THE SAME DAY. WE WERE ALL TRYING TO SPLIT UP HALF GO TO TRACYS AND HALF TO YOURS! WHAT A CRAZY DAY. THEN OF COURSE I DO BELIEVE YOUR MOM LET YOU SIP ON A GLASS OF CHAMPANGE WITH TRACY. WE HAD A PARTY FOR BOTH YOU AND TRACY! WE WERE PROUD OF BOTH OF YOU!  I AM SURE YOU HAD A PARTY OF YOUR OWN AFTERWARDS TO!! YOU WERE A GOOD KID AND WILL BE REMEMBERED IN THE BEST WAYS! YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. LOVE YOU BUDDY !

Well here I finally am. I have put this off for so long. But it's time. I never thought that life could be so cruel or that I would ever have to do this. Remembering you! I always took for granted that you would always be here. Now that your gone there was so much I wish I could have said to you.   I have to say that I am so empy knowing that your not here with us anymore. 1 memory I will always have is the last christmas we all spent together. All the love that we all had for eachother that day was so wonderfull and I know that mom was so proud of all of us. We may not have had it all but what we had was good. and we will always have eachother. I have learned to cherish every minute I have with my family. Even though I am not as close as everyone else, I think of all of them often. I love and miss you so much, You would be so proud of Tina, she's finally gonna do it. I am so proud of her. watch over all of us and be sure to be there for Tina tomorrow. Watch over Chris and Lexi they need as much looking after as they can get!

                               Love,

                                Peggy 

Buddy...

i have so many memories of you some bad some good some happy and then there were are fameous fights  and the BUDDY KNOCKER ha ha .  Well let me say that my entire life i have never had an issue that I couldn't turn to you for help with and sometimes I took your advice and sometimes I choose to walk my own path which was one of the last things that you told me to do and I am so greatful that you told me that.  In the end you too took your own path in life and now we are blessed with your children and in them we can still see you.  I will always remember the look on your face when you and Michelle came to the hospital when I was giving birth to Julian and you walked down the hall and heard another woman screaming and you were so terrified that all you said was I love you but I can't stay .  You knew that in a few months that the light of your soul would be born and that was the last thing you wanted to hear.  Bud you were always so funny.  I could always call you and cry or bitch or just talk to you when I needed someone to listen. Well your not here for me to tell that I am about to graduate as a nurse but Bubby is and he is doing a good job of being the brother. Anyway I miss you with all my soul and hope each and everyday that you and your new Friend (GOD) give me the strength to make it through another day of life and worry about Lex and Chris.  Kiss us all especially mom and Dad.  Tell Grandma I love her .  Tell Jeremy that we all stilll think of him and his jokes!  Hugs&Kisses  for ALL of you ....

Love always your sister (the almost Doctor)

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU KIDS AND MY KIDS SPENT ALOT OF TIME TOGEATHER, PLAYING ALWAYS FINDING A WAY TO GET YOURSELVES IN TROUBLE,BUT YOU GREW UP AND MARRIED DAWN, THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE TILL LEXY CAME ALONG, I THOUGHT FOR SURE YOUR LIFE WAS ON THE RIGHT TRACK TILL YOU CAME TO W.VA AND GOT INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO GAVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, YET SHE WAS THE SAME PERSON WHO HELD THAT CHILD OVER YOUR HEAD AND EVENTUALLY HELPED PUT YOU WHERE YOU ARE TODAY, I CANT HELP BUT FEEL WE WOULD HAVE HAD SO MANY MORE PRECIOUS MEMORIES IF YOU HAD NOT HAVE LEFT US, I HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES OF YOU THAT WILL LIVE IN MY HEART FOREVER, I CANT HELP BUT WONDER IF YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED WITH YOUR WIFE IF YOU WOULD STILL BE HERE TODAY, I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH BUDDY, PLEASE HELP YOUR  MOM AND SISTERS AND BROTHER GET THROUGH THIS, LOSING YOU STILL TEARS AT THE HEARTS OF US ALL. GOD BE WITH YOU BUDDY, AND I WILL TRY TO LEARN TO NOT BE SO BITTER BUT I JUST CANT HELP IT , YOU WERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE A SHINING STAR WITH GOD. TRY TO KEEP JEREMY OUT OF TROUBLE UP THERE WITH THE BIG BOSS. I WONT HAVE TO WORRY TO MUCH BOTH YOUR GRANDMA AND GREAT GRANNY IS THERE AND THEY WILL WATCH OVER YOU BOTH,   LOVE, AUNT DANETTE

I remember my brother as the life of the party alway's trying to make a joke out of something. He was the rock of our family, always trying to make you laugh or smile. He loved to be with his family doing any activity possible but most of all he loved his kid's Alexis and Chris. They were the world to him. Everyone was in awe when he was taken to haven by the lord and we all had a piece of our heart missing. Still to this day it doesn't seem real that he's gone. I know he is watching over us and protecting his children from heaven. Buddy was always there when i needed someone to talk to. It felt like he understood me and he would say to me it's alright everything will be ok don't worry. I sit around and think about how much he hated my belly button and how gross he thought it was and it's makes me laugh.Buddy if you can hear me please just watch over us and your kid's and protect them from all harm and make sure you help mom though all of this until she come's to meet you on the other side and we will all soon be over there to meet you. I love and miss you with all my heart.....

GOD MIGHT HAVE TAKEN YOU TO THE HOLY PLACE, BUT THE MEMORIES WILL ALWAY BE WITH US. WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU! I LOVE YOU BUDDY!