Rodney (Buddy) Allen Chavera

Buddy,

Its been 2 years and I feel like it was yesterday.  It has taken me this long to be able to sit down and express my memories.  Even today, on the eve of 2 years, I sit here with tears streaming down my face. 

I have so many wonderful memories I don't know where to begin. Oh how I miss you.  You were always so much fun.  Not only could you be counted on for a few smiles and lots of laughs (how full of life you were), but I always counted on you to give me a "male" perspective.  How valuable your words were to me. 

I remember the last time you came to see me.  I had to rush off to work that day and left you and the guys at my house.  Boy was I mad when I got home, you were gone back to WV and only an empty 12 pack was left in the driveway as a sign that you'd been there.  Buddy, how I wish I could go back, I would have called in well and told them I had to spend the day with my Cuz' - Oh, how I love you.  Every time I think about that day I regret it and wish I would have stayed and hung out with you. 

I think back and remember the "Biggest day of my life"  I kept thinking I'm going to have to walk down the LONG isle by myself. But, guess what Buddy, you were there (Of course!). Walking me down the isle. 

I remember you trying to be my friend, my brother, my cuz.  You were the BEST, you wore so many hats, you were so many things, to so many people.

You were the brother I never had.  You teased and tortured me just a brother would.  How I enjoyed just hanging out with you, whether it was to discuss some heavy subject or just the day.  I knew I could always count on you.

I remember how very much you loved Dawn, and how happy you were on your wedding day.  You cut a mean suit.  I was so proud of you Buddy.  I still am.

I remember you being so protective of Becky and I whenever we went out.  It was so cute.  Oh sure, you could be a brat, couldnt' we all?? But no matter what we always knew you had our back.  I love you Buddy more than words can say, but I guess you already know that, don't ya?? 

It has meant so much to me. Thank you Buddy for being you and being a part of my life. 

I FOUND I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT I KEPT REMEMBERING THAT AWFUL CALL I RECEIVED AND I WAS ALMOST AFRAID TO GO TO SLEEP. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE LOSSES WE HAVE HAD IN TWO YEARS ,MAYBE JESUS JUST NEEDS YOU ALL MORE THAN WE DO OR SHOULD I SAY HE FOUND A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU.BECAUSE ITS FOR SURE I NEED YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.TO SEE YOU SMILE AND LAUGH AND TALK AGAIN AND I WISH YOU COULD BE HERE FOR YOUR KIDSTHEY NEED YOU SO MUCH. STAY CLOSE TO ALL OUR LOVED ONES FOR FAMILY IS THE MOST DEAREST AND PRECIOUS THING IN THE WORLD. I LOVE YOU SON SEE YOU SOON.

WELL WE MADE IT THROUGH THE FUNERAL, AND THE WORST IS YET TO COME BUT IF YOU CAN HOLD DOUGS HAND FOR HE WAS SO YOUNG IN LIFE AND NOT REALLY READY TO LET GO OF HIS MOM AND LOVED ONES I KNOW ALL THIS SOUNDS SO CRAZY TO BE ASKING YOU THIS, BUT I KNOW YOU THREE MUSKETEERS ARE TOGETHER AND GRANDMA WILL KEEP YOU STRAIGHT. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. ALL MY LOVE TO YOU BOYS AND MY GRANNIES AND MOM . I JUST WISH JESUS WOULD LET ME KNOW WHY.

Buddy,                           July21,2007

Man this world is so crazy just seem's like god is taking everyone. I just don't understand it. Watch over Doug I know he will need you. I can't believe all this is happening it seem's so unfair. I hope god is building a good army. love and miss you big brother.

WELL HERE WE GO AGAIN,WHAT WILL WE DO NOW IT SEEMS LIKE ALL THE FUNNY AND CRAZY ONES ARE BEING TAKEN, MY HEART IS ACHEING SO MUCH FOR DONNA AND MARK, CHRYSTAL AND HOLLIE AND EVEN DANNY. I KNOW THE PAIN THEY FEEL. JUST WATCH OVER DOUGIE YOU KNOW I LOVED HIM LIKE ONE OF MY OWN,NOW WHOS ARM WILL I TICKLE WHEN I AM THERE.I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH.SEE YOU SOMEDAY SOON.      MOM

Buddy,                                           July 11,2007

Hello big brother, I still find myself coming to this site and crying my eye's out because your gone and I miss you so much. I find myself thinking about you all the time. I know how much you loved the summer time. Tim and I and the kid's have been going swimming and it has been so hot I found myself sitting on the bank and thinking about you. You would have been relaxing and drinking the beer and swimming. Your little angel is getting so big she has your eye's. She look's more and more like you everyday. When Tina got back she showed us picture's she took down there and I think you have Pete's eye's and nose and mouth but there was this one picture she took of this boy and my goodness Buddy he look's like you clothes and all. You were a very handsome man and you knew it. Well I will ttyl love ya and miss you a bunch.

7/10/07 I came to the site today and wow...I am so emotional...first I see all the new pictures ... more pictures that take me back to the days when we were together...and then an even bigger wow...God I wish you were here to share this moment with your sisters! I know you are shining down! Then I read your mom's recent posting and reflection on my brief flashback to our time...still brings me to tears...you are still in my heart. I love you and miss you...

Buddy,                                                     July1,2007

Hey big brother just thought I would write you a few line's while I am sitting down. I miss you so much. I heard this song the other day and it make's me think of you it's called rockstar. You alway's was trying to better yourself even though someone held you back you bettered yourself in your head. I wish you was still here cause I miss you so much. I am glad Tina and Peggy are enjoying thereselves. I think about you all the time. What we would be doing at this time of year like riding the jet ski and relaxing at the lake. Watching the kid's play. Well love and miss you big brother. Keep watching over us from up there.

THOUGH YOU CAN'T SEE OR TOUCH ME

     I'LL BE NEAR.

AND IF YOU'LL LISTEN WITH IN YOUR HEART, YOU WILL HEAR

   ALL MY LOVE AROUND YOU SOFT AND CLEAR.

WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR OURSELVES ALONE DIES WITH US.

WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR OTHERS AND THE WORLD REMAINS, AND IS IMMORTAL.

I WROTE THESE DOWN SOON AFTER YOU PASSED ,AND WAS GOING TO PUT ONE OF THEM ON YOUR HEADSTONE BUT CHANGED MY MIND SO I AM PUTTING THEM ON HERE, FOR THEY MADE ME THINK OF YOU.

DEAR DAD

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. I WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH US . I HAVE BEEEN RIDING MY BIKE AND WRECKING IT SOME TIMES. WELL MY FRIEND WYATT WRECKED INTO ME. MOMMIE BOUGHT US A POOL IT NICE TO SWININ IT. I AM GOING TO BE GOING TO AUNT DANETTES CAMPER IN WISC SOON THEY HAVE POOLS AND ALL KIDS OF THINGS TO DO. I LOVE YOU AND HOPE THAT SOMEDAY WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN . I NEED YOU DAD . LOVE CHRIS

WE THOUGHT OF YOU WITH LOVE TODAY

BUT THAT IS NOTHING NEW

WE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU YESTERDAY

AND DAYS BEFORE THAT TOO

WE THINK OF YOU IN SILENCE

WE OFTEN SPEAK YOUR NAME

NOW ALL WE HAVE ARE MEMORIES

AND YOUR PICTURE IN A FRAME

YOUR MEMORY IS OUR KEEPSAKE

WITH WHICH WE'LL NEVER PART

GOD HAS YOU IN HIS KEEPING

WE HAVE YOU IN OUR HEARTS

           YOU ARE SO LOVED AND SADLY MISSED BY ALL WHO KNEW YOU.YOU WERE THE LIGHT OF ALL OUR LIVES   LOVE MOM

HI BUD, AUSTIN WANTS ME TO SAY HE LOVES YOU AND MISSES YOU .WELL I WISH I KNEW WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING GOING ON. ITS SO HARD FOR THE GIRLS TO BE MAKING THESE CHOICES AND I HOPE THEY ARE RIGHT IN WHAT THEY ARE DOING,I JUST WISH I KNEW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT ALL . I LOVE YOU BUDDY AND YOUR OPINION ALWAYS MATTERED TO ME , WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS ALAYS ON MY MIND EVEN IF I DID THE OPPISITE SOMETIMES.WE WERE ALWAYS ARGUING ON WHO WAS RIGHT AND I USUALLY GAVE IN TO YOU, AND WHEN I DIDN'T YOU WOULD TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD AND GIVE IN SOMETIMES IT WORKRD AND SOMETIMES IT DIDN'TPLEASE SHOW ME BUDDY. I AM LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT PICTURE TO PUT ON YOU HEADSTONE I AM HAVING THEM SET YOUR STONE IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS AND THEN ITS SO FINAL FOR ME AND IT WILL BE VERY HARD.I LOVE YOU BUDDY AND I BE THERE SOON TO SEE YOU AND JEREMY.

Buddy,                June 10, 2007

Hey big brother just thought I would write to you tonight since I have alittle bit of peace and quiet. I just don't know what Peggy and Tina is thinking. They need to look at the big picture and who they might hurt. I just want everyone to be happy. I wish you were still here and could guide them. Well you always knew how I was, I never liked to much change, liked everything to stay them same. I hope your flower's are growing good that I planted for you. I hope you are enjoying them. I will be up to the graveyard to see you this week sometime. Well I love you and miss you lots.

BUDDY,

WELL I CAN JUST ABOUT IMAGINE WHAT YOU ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW, BUT ITS OK, I BELEIVE EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. NOW I WISH YOU HAD MAYBE GOTTEN TO KNOW SOME OF YOUR OTHER  FAMILY.OR LEAST YOU MIGHT HAVE JUST GIVEN IT A TRY.WHAT EVER THE GIRLS DECIDE TO DO IS FINE WITH ME , AND I KNOW YOU WILL WATCH OVER THEM..I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE TIME YOU SCARED THE LIVING S--- OUT OF ME WHEN WE LIVED IN DELSLOW. YOU GOT SUCH A LAUGH OUT OF THAT. I SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO GET YOU BACK THAT SAME NIGHT BUT I DIDN'T. WE ALWAYS HAD SO MUCH FUN WHEN WE DID DUMB THINGS LIKE THAT.WE WERE LAUGHING THE OTHER DAY AT PEGGYS BECAUSE PEGGY SAID BILL WAS JUST LIKE YOU .THAT EVERY TIME HE HAD TO DO SOMETHING HE SUDDENLY HAD TO GO S---. AND BOY AS MUCH AS YOU HAD TO S--- YOU SHOULD HAVE WASTED AWAY TO NOTHING.YOU LOOKED FOR AN EXCUSE EVERYTIME YOU HAD TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE OR MOW THE GRASS OR DO ANY KIND OF HOUSEHOLD CHORES. AND GUESS WHAT LEXI IS THE SAME WAY. SHE WOULD RATHER SIT HER LIFE AWAY THAN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE BUT THATS GOING TO CHANGE I TOLD HER SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE AS LAZY AS HER MOM IS.ANY WAY I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS OF YOU BIT I WILL DO SOME MORE LATER. AND REMEMBER I LOVE YOU AND LOOK AFTER YOUR SISTERS AND YOUR BROTHER. ITS THEIR DECISION TO MAKE AND I KNOW THEY WILL MAKE THE RIGHT ONE. I LOVE YOU  I WILL BE HOME SOON AND YES IT WAS A SAD DAY TO LEAVE PEGS BUT I WILL BE GOING BACK SOON,

BUDDY, I HEARD THIS SONG YESTERDAY AND IT BROUGHT BACK THE DAY YOU AND DAWN MARRIED,IT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYES IT WAS SUCH A PLEASANT MEMORY, OH HOW I WISH THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT, BUT I GUESS WE CAN'T CHANGE THE WHAT IFS AND MAYBE IF,BECAUSE IF WE COULD YOU WOULD STILL BE HERE TODAY THATS FOR SURE.I WOULD GLADLY HAVE TAKEN YOUR PLACE TO GIVE YOU THE LIFE YOU SO DESERVED HERE ON THIS CRAZY EARTH.... YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN THE KIDS THE LIFWE THEY SO DESERVE, BUT WITH GODS HELP AND A LOT OF PRAYING MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR THEM. ALEXIS IS HAVING A GOOD TIME HERE BUT SHE MISSES EVERYONE AT HOME , SHE IS SUCH A COMFORT TO ME WHEN I START TO CRY ABOUT YOU , SHE TRYS REALLY HARD TO MAKE ME SMILE AT THOSE TIMES, SHE IS SO YOUNG TO BE COMFORTING ME IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND. WHEN I GET HOME I AM GOING TO GET YOUR HEADSTONE, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE WHEN I PUIT THAT TERE IT WILL MAKE IT SO FINAL AND SO REAL FOR ME AND IT HURTS REAL BAD BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO GET IT DONE. YOU DESERVE THAT MUCH. I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU DEEPLY, I'LL BE HOME SOON

Hey i haven't written in awhile but i think of you so often. Well I am on vacation again and Lexi is here like usual. She is getting so big I know you would be amazed. She is always findind pennies on the ground and thinks they are kisse from you. Sometimes I just throw change on the ground so she can pick them up. It makes her so happy and when she finds one she says look its from Daddy. Its so cute. She is a handful and sometimes I just wish you were here to guide her because I feel like we are failing. I know that there is only so much we can do as far as samantha is concerned and I wish there was more we could do but she needs to want to help herself and she don't care about anyone right now but herself. Maybe one day for the kids she will wake up and change. Mom misses you so much. You should see grandmas stone its beautiful. We miss her so much to. The otherday when we were at the graveyard lex said this is heaven and her a julian began to argue he said this isn't  heaven heaven is up in the sky with jesus. It was so funny. Anyway i feel very bad after reading what Michelle wrote. I am so sorry but I really couldnt  wait or afford to change my ticket. I do love her more than she knows and I am gonna make sure she knows that family is important and I have never wanted her to feel left behind. I love her so much and maybe i have done a bad job of letting her know that. But the good thing is its never to late to change that and show people how much they mean to you. I miss you so much and wish you were here right now I feel like this week has been so hard especially and I am not sure why  but  I am missing you so much and feel that hole in my soul and the lump in my throat like i had right after you left. Please make me feel better. I know that I will never get over you not being here but help me to get through it. I love you. Maybe I just need my big brother here to say it ok. So if there is someway for you to tell me its ok please do. I'll be thinking of you. I love you always no matter how far apart we are I am sure your always looking in on us all.

Buddy,                                 May 15, 2007

Man I wish you were still here with us I find myself missing all the time's we shared and all the advice you gave me. When I was feeling down and we would go for a drive I would talk to you about it and you would say it will be alright just relax. I am feeling so down right now. Mom is away and Tina is away and I wanted to go with Tina so bad but I couldn't afford it and it would have been hard on everyone to ask someone to keep the boy's. I hate being left out and by myself while everyone is being with everyone else. Since you died I have realized how important family really is even more so your brother's and sister's and mom and dad and your kid's and my husband. I am so upset that Tina couldn't push her ticket's back so that I could go with her. I miss mom and wish she would come home you know me I alway's call mom 50 thousand time's while she is gone and I just don't understand her. I love her and dad with all my heart's and would do anything in the world for them. I know I don't say it enough. I just wish you were here cause at least I would have you here to be with. I went to your grave and planted a whole bunch of flower's and a bleeding heart tree. I love you and miss you big brother.

I am still here...and know that all of you are always in my thoughts and prayers each and every day...and there is not one single day that goes by that you (Bud) do not enter my mind and heart. We always thought so much alike...it is funny because this is my song to my girls...I play it for them all the time! Before I had kids...I never told you...but that song I hope you dance always made me think of you and what I hoped for you. I knew you loved me...but I knew with the way things were it was not healthy at that time...and I always prayed for you and wished that you would find happiness. (I have found myself in a similar situation here recently as well) But each and every thing that I do now & experience makes me think of us...takes me back to something that we did...that we shared.  I am going through some tough times right now and STILL find myself wanting to pick up that phone and call you. I know this is kind of selfish to only write about me and us...but I have to write what I feel...I am hurting right now...and on the way to work this morning I got to thinking about that morning that I received that long distance phone call ... every second flashed before my eyes...knowing what was about to be said to me to then running out of my office and just loosing it...my drive up to WVA...and then my drive home...every second...every thought...they were all just hitting me this morning. 

It is so hard to think about what I am still reaching for...what seems always just out of reach...and we had it...we were on that road...and took a detour and got so lost!  It is so hard to know that we both wanted the same things...to know that our lives fit so well together...and had we done together what we did apart...well...it would have been so different...

What do I do now?  I wish I knew. I love you!

GOOD MORNING BUDDY, I JUST THOUGHT THAT I WOULD SHARE A THOUGHT, EVERY WHERE I GO I SEE SOMETHING THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU,YESTERDAY IN THE MALL I SAW A T-SHIRT THAT HAD YOU STILL BEEN HERE I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT FOR  YOU. YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS ALWAYS . ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME. I LOVE YOU SON.

Buddy,                                          May 1,2007

Hey big brother just thought I would write a few thing's down tonight while I have a peaceful moment. I miss you so much more so now in the warmer month's cause I know this is the time of year you loved the most. All we have left of you now is good memories. It still seem's like only yesterday that everything come crashing down. I don't know how long it is gonna take for me to accept your death but it don't seem like I am ever going to be able to accept it. Maybe it's because I don't know exactly what happened that night to you. I am gonna come up this weekend and plant some flower's on your grave. I am gonna go ahead and get your headstone. It's not right you being up there with no headstone. I don't know what kind of flower's you want but I guess it don't matter as long as I make it look pretty. I love and miss you a whloe lot big brother.

BUDDY THE SONG ON HERE MICHELLE PUT ON HERE BECAUSE WHEN SHE HEARD IT SHE SAID THIS HOW YOU WOULD FEEL FOR YOUR KIDS AND I AGREE WITH HER, ITS I GUESS WHAT WE WOULD ALL WANT FOR OUR CHILDREN . I HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH FROM DAWN AND SHE HASN'T BEEN ON HERE MUCH , I HOPE SHE ISN'T MAD AT US FOR SOMETHING, I WILL WRITE HER SOON. I;M GOING TO CALIFORNIA IN 2 DAYS IF YOUWERE HERE YOU WOULD WANT TO GO WITH ME YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO GO WHERE I DID SO I WOULDN'T BE TO FAR AWAY. YOU SAID YOU WERE AFRAID SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO ME WHILE I WAS GONE . I WISH YOU WERE HERE TO GO WITH ME I MISS YOU SO MUCH LEXI IS HAVING FUN AT PEGGYS I THINK SHE NEEDED TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH PEG AT LEAST I THINK IT WILL DO PEGGY SOME GOOD TO BE CLOSE TO YOUR GIRL FOR A LITTLE WHILE . I WISH I COULD GET ALONG WITH SAMANTHA BUT ITS HARD BUDDY SHE IS SO MESSED UP AND IT SCARES ME. I WISH HER PARENTS WOULD CARE ENOUGH TO FORCE THE ISSUE WITH HER, BEFORE ITS TO LATE. THE KIDS REALLY NEED HER THEY LOVE HER AND I JUST CAN'T HELP HER , I DON'T HATE HER I JUST HAVE A LOT OF HARD FEELINGS FOR HER, AND I WOULD BE THE LAST PERSON THAT COULD HELP HER SHE REALLY NEEDS SOME SERIOUS HELP. I JUST DON'T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH HER FAMILY NOT SEEING THE DESPERATION OF THE HELP SHE NEEDS.IT WOULD KILL THE KIDS IF SOME THING HAPPENED TO HER, ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY AND HELP HER WITH THE KIDS UNTIL SHE CAN PULL OUT OF THIS MESS. I LOVE YOU SON AND IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ME BE THERE FOR ME SO I WON'T BE AFRAID OF LEAVING THIS WORLD.ALWAYS THINKING OF YOU

BUDDY,

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER,YOU REALLY HAD A HARD TIME WITH ME BEFORE YOU DIED, BUT I WAS JUST CONCERNED FOR YOU AND WANTED YOU TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE THAN YOU DID, BUT I DID KNOW ONE THING ,AND THAT IS YOU LOVED THE KIDS, AND THEY COULD DEPEND ON YOU . NOT LIKE NOW ,WHERE THEY HAVE TO DEPEND ON WHO EVER THEY CAN. THINGS ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE BUD SO ALL WE CAN DO IS KEEP OUR EYE ON THEM AND HOPE GOD WILL ALWAYS BE WATCHING OVER THEM.I LOVE YOU SON AND I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. MOM

Buddy,                                                                     April 7,2007

Hey big brother just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you on Easter. I miss you so much. I keep having dreams with you in them. Lexie was crying tonight because she thought Samantha was coming up to get her and she wouldn't get to have an Easter basket if Samantha came up to get her. As you know we assured her that she would always have something for every holiday no matter what then she was ok. I felt so bad for her. I know those kids miss you because when you were here that never had to worry for nothing or want for anything. You made sure that had what they needed. I love and miss you big brother.

BUDDY, I THOUGHT I WOULD SIT DOWN FOR A FEW MINUTES TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN EVER SAY BUT I THINK I KNOW WHAT MY GOAL IN LIFE HAS TO BE . AND I AM GOING TO DO IT NO MATTER WHAT . I LOVE YOU AND WILL VISIT YOU SOON I WILL BRING THE KIDS TO SEE YOU ALSO. REST IN PEACE MY SON MY ANGER IS FADING A LITTLE AND I CAN SEE THINGS A LITTLE CLEARER. SOON MY SON SOON

THANK GOD THE SURGERY IS OVER WITH NOW THE HEALING WILL BE A LONG PROCESS THANKS FOR HELPING THEM THROUGH THE WHOLE ORDEAL EVERYONE WAS SCARED FOR MERL JUST BE WITH ALL THE ONES THAT TRUELY LOVES YOU WITH EVERYTHING IN THEM (YOUR FAMILY) I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM DOWN !THROUGH IT ALL AND YOU ARE STILL WALKING BESIDE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM ! EVERYONE LOVES AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH AND THINK OF YOU EACH AND EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES LOVE AND MISS YOU TO JERRIE DALE