Rodney (Buddy) Allen Chavera

3/2011
I don't even know what I want to write - I'm just sitting here remembering, and crying again...
I just had a thought...it's been 20 years since we met...it's been 12 years since we separated - and almost 6 years since you passed.  I still miss you so much! I miss just talking to you!
I keep myself so busy...like CRAZY busy...and I am sitting here wondering if it is my way to numb myself from life...from truly dealing with my grief. 
It doesn't matter what is going on in my life - you are always there in my thoughts and in my heart.  I think about all the things that I do now - and I can so picture you right there with me, smiling your proud smile that you always had...and just natrually falling into whatever was going on and making it so much more fun!
So many things are goiing so well - yet I still simply feel this huge empty space without being able to share it with you or talk to you about it all.  I have so many friends - but it's just not the same. 
I think I just want you to know that I would do it all again!  Maybe do somethings differently - but even knowing the paths that we would take - I would go back and do it all over again...just to have known you - just to have loved you and to have had you love me back ... to have all those memories!
I love you still - and I always will

Buddy,                   2/27/2011

Well Happy Birthday to you BIG BROTHER.... You are greatly missed.... You would have been 36 year's old today... Still so angry and mad... Still so many question's that has never been answered and never will be... Make's me so sick to think that god took someone like you and left someone like Samantha... You left so suddenly no one had time to even tell you goodbye or that we love you.. I think you know what a good family you had... We are all so strong, and we do that by sticking together and being there for each other.. Well have a good birthday up in heaven with everyone else... LOVE and MISS You ver Much....

Buddy,               January 1, 2011

Well Happy New Year big brother!!!! I wanted to be the first to wish you that!!!! I am sure you all are up there celebrating it together.... Just so sad that you are not here once again to celebrate with us... Hope you are watching over us all from up there in heaven.... Love ya and miss you bunches....

I couldn't have wrote it any better Michelle !!! We love him so much it hurts,but I hope someday to see him again.I just want to live to see that his children are grown and ok in life. as with all my grandkids. I love you Buddy and so do Lexi and Chris.

Buddy,                  December 5, 2010

 This is what we had put on your card at the funeral home and I think about it alot so I decided to post it on here...

Miss Me- But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want no rites in a gloom- filled room

Why cry for a soul set free?

Me me a little- but not too long

And not with your head bowed low

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss me- but let me go

For this is a journey that we all must take

And each must go alone

It's all a part of the master's plan

A step on the road to home

When you are lonely and sick at heart

Go to the friends we know

And bury you sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss me- but let me go

I think this is what we all should read and remind ourselves everyday...

Love and Miss you alot!!!

Buddy,                    November 9, 2010

Another cold winter is apporaching fast and another month without you here with us. I hate the thought of on the holiday's your not here to share them with us and how much it hurt's still to celebrate it. We have to go on though for our kid's and yet it still feel's like we are doing it dragging our feet and kicking and screaming all the way. I just don't know how people say it get easier with time cause it don't you just learn to live with a heavy heart and keep going for everyone else's sake around you, trying to be strong but it's so so hard.. This family has went to shit since everyone has started dying... All the fighting and hurtful thing's people say all for what to try to hurt someone that you love and is your family, I guess it's to try to make them feel better about themselves or something. The best thing to do for me is just disconnect, if only you were here how you would shake your head and be like f them all. You come to know who your real family is and I am so thankful I have my family that love's me for me and don't judge me or shame me for the thing's that have happened in my life... To all my REAL FAMILY I LOVE YOU ALL!!! Well big brother just stay close and be our gruardian angel!!!! I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

Well buddy I know I hardly ever get on here anymore,it seems like the times are few and far between.It seems all I can get done anymore is lay in bed, I feel like life is just flowing by so fast. I always have so many things I want to do or need to do and I just don't care if it gets done at all. I swear sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, I miss you so much it tears my heart out, I see your face all the time, I am always thinking of something you said or did, Your death was such a waste of lfe.As far as the kids go I feel totally defeated when it comes to them,I don't think they have half a chance at a good life I know samantha loves them but she just isn't the mother or the support and guidance they deserve.Lexi throws a fit everytime she has to go home and I can't stand it. she just tells me she don't want to be there anymore and she is so young to be feeling like that. And i don't know how to help her I just hope she will survive to an age where she can fend for herself and that she will know which road she needs to take, watch over them Buddy. Me and Michelle seem to be the only ones who grieve for you all the time,I guess I shouldn't say that for I know we all still greive but we are the ones who come her to write to you I guess that is to keep our sanity.Merl is like me he is still in shock over it all I replay it in my mind all the time the call the drive then the news that I already knew was coming. and then she has the nerve to try and talk to me about it when she is all screwed up on drugs and alchohol.oh I know she will say she was straight but she knows she wasn't and so do I.she thinks I am crazy and I  need to get a life, I hope she never has to feel our pain herlife goes on and ours is suspended in air , and I am still waiting for the air sso I can breath again .I love you and was so proud to have you as my son. you are definatly an angel.

Buddy,                                  September 15

I don't know where the time has gone. Another season has gone and we are starting a new one and getting closer to winter. All the kid's are in school now and my day's are so boring now... You know it really sicken's me how people are.. It make's me mad that some people don't even know what day you died on.... I miss and love you so much...

WELL BUDDY IT CLOSE TO THE FIVE YEAR MARK, AND I DON'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT THAN THE FIRST DAY. I KNOW THAT I AM ALWAYS ON EDGE BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP IT. I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND AND SOMETIMES I JUST WISH I WOULD HURRY UP AND DO IT SO I COULD GET IT OVER WITH. I WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH US ALL WE JUST ALL GO SOMEWHERE TOGETHER AND JUST CHILL LIKE WE USED TO DO.

I HAD FLASHBACK THE OTHER DAY A SONG WAS PLAYING AND I SAW YOU DANCING TO IT LIKE YOU ALWAYS DID WHEN YOU WERE ACTING SO CRAZY. i WOULS EVEN BE GLAD TO CLEAN UP YOUR PUKE LIKE I ALWAYS DID WHEN YOU DRANK LIQUER AND JUST HAD TO "SPIT" LOL  WE SURE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES ALL OF AND I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING GOOD OR BAD.IT WAS OUR TIME AND I LOVED IT.I WISH I COULD HAVE MADE ALOT MORE MEMORIES WITH YOU BUT THE LORD SAW THINGS DIFFERENTLY. I WILL SEE YOU ON SUNDAY I LOVE YOU AND HOPE TO SEE YOU AT THE GATE TO MEET ME AND MERL, I LOVE YOU

BUDDY,                        AUGUST 6, 2010

GOSH IT WILL BE 5 YEAR'S THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GONE ON SUNDAY AUGUST 8TH. IT DON'T SEEM LIKE IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG. TIME FLY'S AND YET THE WOUND'S ARE STILL SO FRESH LIKE IT ALL IS STILL JUST A DREAM... I REALLY WISH IT WAS A DREAM, I WISH I WOULD WAKE UP AND YOU BE HERE. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER YOUR LAUGH.. ALL THIS SHIT NEED'S TO STOP IT IS ALL TOO CRAZY THING'S ARE BEING SAID THAT SHOULDN'T BE SAID AND MOM IS JUST ON EDGE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. I WISH YOU WAS HERE. JUST SEEM'S LIKE ANYMORE PEOPLE ARE ONLY OUT TO TRY TO HURT EVERYONE ELSE AND IT JUST STUPID AND THAT'S WHY I STAY AT HOME. NO NONSENSE HERE. I WISH ALL YOU GUY'S WERE HERE WITH US. WE ARE GONNA COME TO THE GRAVEYARD ON SUNDAY TO PUT FLOWER ON ALL YOUR GRAVE'S. I JUST HATE THE RIDE THERE IT SEEM'S LIKE YOUR DRIVING TO SARROW AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS CRY AND I GET A BIG KNOT IN MY THROAT. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT THIS FAMILY HAS BEEN THROUGH AND YET WE ARE STILL GOING DON'T KNOW HOW BUT WE ARE AND IT NEVER SEEM'S TO GET ANY EASIER BUT YET WE STILL GET UP EVERY MORNING AND GO ABOUT OUR DAY BECAUSE WE HAVE TO. WE HAVE TO GO ON FOR OUR KID'S AND OTHER FAMILY.... I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND I MISS YOU ....

Buddy, 5 yrs have come and it seems just like yesterday to me .People don't understand how life just stops when you loose someone.I can't seem to lose my bitterness and hate, Today is Chris's birthday  5 yrs ago i spent the day with you for chris's birthday party.that was the last time I saw you alive and it just breaks my heart to know I could have stayed longer and didn't. How would things have been if I had of stayed longer? I will never know now.  I could have done so many things different and maybe I should have. I know that your kids are the most important things in life and I will try as much as I can.I love you so much and find myself just sitting and thinking of you, all the happy and sad times.just know that I will try to make sure we keep your Memory alive.

Buddy. I feel like Michelle does. Time will never heal us or make it easier, but I do know this I am so thankful for the time we all did have together. I read Samanthas new post and I know how you and Sam were with each other and I still remember all the other things you thought about Sam. I never meant that I blamed him dirrectly just that i blame all that was involved in the whole situation.but I owe them people no explanation on my feelings. and as far as your kids go, I think she should quit pointing the finger at me and look at heself where Chris is concerned.and yes Buddy he does need you to look out for him and that because he has none else to do it.I lov the kids but my help can only go so far,Samantha says this guy gives her more than even you ever gave her she wants for nothing, well the way I see it you gave he your life, but she doesn't see it that way she thinks we are mad because she is moving on, but we all know better than that ,you included. But she can live in her own world I don't care. I just hope God is still watching over the kids. And she is not the poor poor victim. I love you Buddy and I know you loved us all despite what that crazy one trys to tell us.  We will all face you again somday i just hope she is ready for that day to look you in the eye again and say all that she has said and done. What do you think she will say? I love you so much

Buddy,                          July 22, 2010

Man it's hard to believe that 10 year's ago today you walked me down the isle to be married to Tim. I have alway's thought so much of you for doing that. You didnt have to but you did, you stepped up and did it cause dad wouldn't do it and I was so upset cause I had no one to walk me down the isle but I asked you to do it and you said yes... I am sad and happy all at the same time, sad because when I think about it now knowing you are not here it make's me cry, and happy that I am still married. I really wish thing's would have turned out so different, but they didn't and I still really don't believe your gone but you are and I still have so many question but no answer's and just really wish you were here. Why did you have to go, hell why did any of you have to go. I miss all of you so much and thing's seem like they never get any easier. I thought it was supposed to get easier as time goes!! I have so much hate and saddness. I love you and miss you so much!!!!!

HEY BUDDY STOPPING BY TO SAY MICHELLS KIDS WROTE TO YOU SATURDAY...ADDISON WANTED TO LIGHT A CANDLE FOR YOU.....BLESS HER HEART SHE TRY'S SO HARD TO TYPE BUT SHE DON'T KNOW HER LETTERS THAT WELL ...ABBY DOES BETTER AT TYPING BUT SHE CAN'T SPELL SOME WORDS..BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE HER CREDIT FOR TRYING....THEY COME DOWN SOME TIMES AND LEAVE YOU STUFF....AND WHAT IS IT WITH THE DEER THEY REALLY LIKE TO STOMP ALL OVER YOU AND EAT FLOWER'S THAT HAS BEEN PUT DOWN THERE FOR YOU..YOUR MOM BROUGHT 3 FLOWER'S SOME KIND OF LILIES AND PLACE ONE ON YOUR GRAVE AND ONE FOR JERMEY AND ONE FOR YOU GRAMPS....THE OTHER 2 THEY DIDN'T TOUCH BUT YOUR'S THEY EAT IT RIGHT TO THE GROUND...WE KEEP THE GRAVE YARD MOWED NOW EVERY TWO WEEKS ME, NORMA, AND MERL,AND GARRY BIDDLE... BUB COMES SOME TIMES I DON'T THINK HE LIKES TO CUT GRASS MUCH....WE WILL BE DOWN NEXT SATURDAY TO CUT THE GRASS...I TALK TO YOUR LITTLE GIRL ALEXIS JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY SHE HAS A FACEBOOK PAGE AND SHE'S ALWAYS WANTING ME TO SEND HER STUFF SO I SEND HER THE THINGS SHE NEEDS IF I HAVE THEM FOR HER FARM OR PET VILLE AND SUCH THE CHILDREN GROW UP SO FAST I SURE WISH YOU WERE STILL HERE WITH HER AND CHRIS...WELL I WILL WRITE SOME MORE LATER LOVE AND MISS YOU JERRIE DALE ..........WE ALL SEND UP OUR LOVE TO ALL UP THERE ALREADY.....

Buddy,

Happy 4th of July big brother.. I miss all of you guy's up there and wish you all were here to share this day with us.... Thing's are alway's so crazy down here... I just don't know anymore. I worry about myself and my family and let everyone else do whatever... I love and Miss you so much and wish you were still here to spend these day's with us....

Buddy,    

Was thinking about you today, like I do everyday and miss you so much!!!! I so wish you were here and I wish I could just hear your voice or see you one last time..... I am so upset I am sure you know what about.... I just don't understand thing's and people and why they are the way they are.... Maybe I am not supposed to but I try and it just get's me more madder then what I already am... I am gonna go swimming and just forget about it all.... I will be thinking about you today when I am sitting by the water's edge with Tim and the kid's... I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buddy,

Well I wanted to tell you Happy Memorial Day big brother. I hope you all are having fun up there. I know you guy's won't get too crazy up there cause grandma is up there and she will keep you all in line. I guess summer is finally here and the hot days feel so good but I miss you being here with us. We had gramp's memorial service today nothing fancy and I think that's how he would have like it... Tim gave you a beer today but man you were drinking it awfully slow hope you didn't get too drunk off it.... I love and miss you so much and just watch over all of us and keep us safe...

Uncle Buddy,

This is my first time on this website and i can't help but look at your pictures and cry. I miss you. I love you.

Love,

Sara

 

I do not want one more negative thought put on this web sight,If there is I will st it to private.This  is a place to reive and share memories about good times and bad times andhow we all are dealing with it al. so pleae respect me and Buddy.

hey buddy we all miss you so much along with everyone else we lost, it weighs heavy on our hearts because there has been so many. do me a favor and hug them all for me and give them all a kiss from me and everyday i ask god to get me through another day to teach me how to deal with all this pain and sorrow. I just wish everyone would stop getting on here and fighting cause this isint the place to do it, this is where we come when we need to talk and grieve and talk about all the good memories of you. Please help everyone find some peace because anger will eat them up and that is not a good thing to happen to anyone. we all love and miss you so much, Love ya buddy,

                                               Love Aunt Danette

my web address is samanthapyles67@yahoo.com if anyone wants to share their thoughts to me no matter what they are.

Buddy you can never even beleive how much we both miss you and the tears we have shed for you. You were a good son we had our ups and downs , but we loved you so much . your death was a shock to us that we can just not seem to get over.We think about all the times we had fun and all the tijes we disagreed .and we wouldn't change it for nothing. I as your mother blame myself so much for not looking harder at things so you would still be here and that is something I just can't forgive myself for.and I could have done more to get along with Samantha so we wouldn't have lost any time argueing.Tina is always telling me that I still am that way with the other kids and I am really trying not to be .Please help me watch over them for I am always scared something is going to happen to them.i know I should be asking God to do that and I will.And Buddy Merl has really mourned your death hard he loves you alot too. he goes to the grave yard more than I do.The day you were born was a blessing to me and I will always have you in my heart and on my mind. Alexis and Chris are also very lost I worry about Chris. Samantha is living with someone now and Alexis says he is mean to her I don't know but I would hope she loves her enough not to let him . I met him and I am not sure she says we are mean to her to just because we make her listen. I will watch the situation and see what happens I will protect her with my life if I have too . I owe it to you. she was your baby girl. I know you love Chris as much.I hope Merl is here for years to come for his death would just drive me over the edge . No matter what happens he is there for the kids and me.I love you kiss all my family for me and we will someday all be together. 

Buddy,                               January 2, 2010

Well we have started a new year! Where does the time go? Nobody was really with nobody to celebrate it though. We counted down the ball and that was pretty much it. Just seem's like everything is so different and isn't going to ever be the same. I know I am blessed and thank god everyday for my family and that we are still all together. I sit around and think that people just don't realize that you could be here today and gone tomorrow. All my kid's were happy on Christmas day when they got up and got what they wanted. Love you and miss you guys.

Hey buddy I just wanted to say we all miss you so much, it will be christmas in a couple more days and i just wanted to tell you merry christmas and I love you, tell jeremy and doug and gramps I love and miss them too.

 

                                                            Love always Danette

Buddy,                            

We has Thanksgiving dinner at mom and Tina's but no one was there but me, Tim,mom and dad, and the kid's. It was so weird not having gramp there carrying on and all. I miss all you guy's so much. Thing's are never going to be the same ever. I was glad I got to spend Thanksgiving with my family for once But I could have did without dad's bitching at me, but I guess that's what parent's do. I want to put up my Christmas tree but I just feel so bad and so sad cause you aren't here and gramp isn't here to celebrate it with us. I find myself wanting to talk to someone and wanting to call gramp but then I remember that he's not here. I know Alex misses him so much, he talk's bout him alot and I feel so bad because he loved gramp more than anything. He misses going over there every weekend and spending time with gramp.I love and miss you guy's alot.....